Releasing What No Longer Serves You

Recently we talked about reflection, about looking out at the trees doing their work, assessing what they need to keep and preparing to shed what they don't. We talked about creating your own Keep/Release list, about getting honest with yourself about what energizes you and what drains you.

But here's where it gets real: actually letting go of what's on that release list? That's where the courage comes in.

Remember those trees? They don't just identify which leaves to release, they actually do it. They're bold in their release, dropping leaves without hesitation. I was walking my dog the other day when a big gust of wind came and took leaves from the trees. It was a beautiful moment and a beautiful realization, everything aligned in season with the wind, temperatures, and trees releasing. It gave me the courage to really think about what I can release. When the wind comes, what can I set off into it?

There's something powerful about the courage it takes for a tree to let go, trusting that this release is essential for survival, for renewal, for what comes next.

As working moms navigating the final stretch of the year, we could learn something from this natural wisdom.

Here's the truth I want you to hold onto: Letting go isn't about giving up, it's about making space for what matters.

There's a pervasive myth that letting go means failure. When we look back at those ambitious January goals and realize we didn't achieve them all, we feel shame. But I want you to ask yourself the same questions we explored recently: Does this really align with your values? Does it fill your bucket or drain you? Is it sustainable? What if you simply let it go? What if you allowed yourself the compassion and grace to reassess, reflect, and make space for what truly matters in this season of your life?

Why Letting Go Feels So Hard

You've done the reflection work. You've created your Keep/Release list. You know what needs to go. So why is it still so hard to actually let it go?

Letting go challenges us at our core, and there are real reasons why it feels so difficult.

We're comfortable in familiar patterns, even when they hurt us. Research shows that up to 40% of our daily actions are habits, automatic routines we do without thinking. Think of it like a riverbed: a well-established river has a deep bed, and water consistently flows in that direction. Our habits work the same way, they help our behavior "flow" down a predictable route, even when that route no longer serves us.

As Lydia Millen reminds us in Evergreen, the trees probably don't particularly enjoy shedding their leaves each year, but it's vital for their survival and strength long-term. Breaking these patterns is hard because we're literally working against deeply carved pathways in our brains.

We fear the judgment of others. When we anticipate criticism or rejection, our brain's fear response center becomes activated. This ancient part of our brain triggers fight-or-flight reactions even when there's no real threat.

But here's something I learned from my therapist that changed everything: when we fear judgment from others, we're often just judging ourselves. Unless someone is explicitly saying "I'm judging you for this," we're projecting our own internal criticism outward. We become our own harshest critics, activating our own fear response.

We've bought into the myth that busy equals valuable. Our culture celebrates the overwhelm. We wear our exhaustion like a badge of honor. But as we discussed last week, what seems productive isn't always sustainable. We sometimes need to slow down to ramp up.

Here's something fascinating I learned about mindset and growth: when we get something right on the first try, there isn't much growth happening in our brains. But when we make a mistake and have to slow down, reassess, and try again? That's when real neural growth occurs. Sometimes the act of releasing our need to be perfect and fast creates space for actual transformation.

Our identity is attached to certain roles and behaviors. For a very long time, my identity was completely wrapped up in a specific role at work. I didn't feel worthy of a promotion because I couldn't see myself beyond that identity. In other seasons, my identity has been so enmeshed with being "Mom" that my children's behaviors felt like a direct reflection of my worth as a mother.

When we attach our identity to external roles, letting go of any aspect of that role can feel like losing ourselves. This isn't just metaphorical, when we form deep attachments to these roles, they become part of how we see ourselves, which is why releasing them can feel so destabilizing.

Common Things Working Moms Need to Release

Remember those common energy drains we identified last week? Perfectionism. Overcommitment. Comparison. Guilt cycles. Not asking for help. Let's get even more specific about what needs to go.

Perfectionism, especially around holidays and special occasions. When I think about the holidays with both my boys having December birthdays, I remember seasons of wanting everything to be perfect and wonderful for them. It led to nothing but stress and burnout. The truth? They don't need perfection. They need presence.

Perfectionism keeps our bodies in a constant state of alert, releasing stress hormones that make it difficult to rest, think clearly, or be present with our loved ones. It's exhausting and unsustainable.

The guilt about not being enough in any role. Not being a good enough mom. Not being a good enough wife. Not being a good enough friend. Not being a good enough employee. This guilt is exhausting and, more importantly, it's not serving anyone, not you, not your family, not your colleagues.

Working evenings as the default. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. Your time, your rest, your presence with your family, these have value too.

The need to say yes to everything. Every volunteer opportunity, every work project, every social invitation. You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to protect your time and energy.

Comparison to other moms and professionals. Remember when I talked about social media draining the absolute crap out of me? I loved writing this blog, but posting on social media was not sustainable. I've gone through seasons of comparison too. At the end of the day, you just have to bring yourself back to who you are. Your journey, your strengths, your season of life, they're uniquely yours.

The Emotional Process of Letting Go

Last week, we focused on growth-based reflection versus guilt-based reflection. Now, as we move from reflection to action, we need to understand that letting go is a deeply emotional process.

If you asked my therapist (I'm not a psychologist!), I think she would tell you that this work requires real emotional processing.

Acknowledge the grief. When you release the ideal version of yourself, the one who does it all perfectly, who never struggles, who meets every expectation, there's genuine grief in that release. Honor it. That ideal represented hopes and dreams, even if they weren't realistic or healthy.

Research on grief shows us that when we lose something important, whether it's a person, a dream, or an identity, our brain has to actually change to adapt to this new reality. Dr. Mary-Frances O'Connor, who studies grief at the University of Arizona, explains that grieving is a form of learning. We have to teach our brain a new way of understanding our life, and that takes time and experience.

Practice deep self-compassion during the transition. For me, this looks like navigating my self-talk. I have deep, negative, critical, judgmental self-talk that shows up, especially during times of change. I've had to do my due diligence (and I'm still working on it) to reprogram and rewrite that internal dialogue.

Research shows that when we practice self-compassion, we activate different pathways in our brain than when we engage in self-criticism. Self-criticism activates the same threat systems as external dangers, while self-compassion activates caregiving and soothing responses. By consistently choosing compassionate self-talk, we're literally building new patterns of response in our brain.

There's so much self-compassion required in this transition of letting go and changing your internal narrative. This isn't just "being nice to yourself", it's actually changing the way your brain processes stress and disappointment.

Understand that letting go is a practice, not a one-time event. Just like reflection shouldn't be reserved for just the end of the year, letting go is ongoing work. We are constantly emotionally processing our lived experiences, reflecting on past traumas, navigating our current environment, and dreaming about our future.

Understanding that this practice of letting go is ongoing, that we're constantly refining, reflecting, and transforming, this understanding is crucial. You won't get it perfect. You'll need to release the same things multiple times. That's not failure. That's being human.

Research suggests that habits can take anywhere from 18 to 254 days to form, with an average of about 66 days. So if you haven't been able to release something in just a few weeks, don't fret, there's still hope. Some changes happen quickly; others take much longer.

As Glennon Doyle reminds us: we can do hard things. Reflection is scary and change is hard, especially when we release what's no longer serving us. We're showing up for ourselves in a way we haven't done before. That can be really uncomfortable. It can be scary. It can be painful at times. But if we know it's important, if we know it's what needs to be done for us to show up authentically as ourselves and to live our values, then we can do it.

Practical Letting Go Strategies

Now for the practical part, turning that Keep/Release list you created last week into actual change.

Keep your release list close. Your brain has already created pathways that make you want to do the things you're trying to stop. By keeping that list visible, you can consciously look at it and remind yourself to make different choices. Each time you consciously choose the new behavior, you're strengthening those new patterns. Over time, it gets easier as the new response becomes more automatic.

Set boundaries with yourself first. Before you set boundaries with others, you need to set them with yourself. "This is my core value and I will do nothing outside of it." Be your own first line of defense.

Create new default responses to old triggers. One of the most effective approaches to breaking an unwanted habit is pinpointing the specific cue or trigger that prompts the behavior, and then experimenting with disrupting it. This requires awareness and practice.

When that familiar trigger shows up, the request to work late, the impulse to say yes when you want to say no, the comparison spiral on social media, you need a new default response ready. For example, if you bite your nails when stressed, you might use deep breathing exercises instead. Once disrupted, over time the old behavior can gradually fade. This is where keeping your release list handy becomes essential.

Build support systems for accountability. Remember how that Harvard Business School study showed that workers who not only reflected but also shared their reflections with others performed 25% better? The same principle applies here.

Reach out to your friends, loved ones, and family members. Share some of this work with them. Research shows that believing you can change a habit is critical to actually changing it. Sharing your intentions with others reinforces that belief and provides external accountability when your internal motivation wanes. You don't have to do this alone, and honestly, you shouldn't. Accountability is powerful.

Practice self-compassion when you stumble. Setbacks are a natural part of the process. When you find yourself falling back into old patterns, remember that your brain is doing its best to learn a new way of being. Recommit to your goal and carry on. Self-compassion during setbacks actually increases the likelihood of long-term success because it prevents the shame spiral that often leads to giving up entirely.

Your Actionable Takeaway This Week

Last week, I asked you to spend 15 minutes journaling and creating your Keep/Release list. This week, we're taking action.

Look at your release list and choose one specific thing to focus on this week. Just one. Keep it close to you. Remind yourself that it no longer serves you. Be aware of when those old patterns arise. Change the self-talk around it. Really, truly work to release it.

Start small. Begin with something simple and achievable that you can easily integrate into your daily routine. Be consistent. Repeat the new behavior consistently until it becomes more automatic.

Practice saying "This no longer serves me" when old patterns arise. Say it out loud if you need to. Let it be your mantra this week. This conscious acknowledgment helps interrupt the automatic habit loop and reminds you of your intention.

If you feel comfortable and confident, share it with a trusted friend for accountability. Text them. Call them. Tell them what you're releasing and ask them to check in with you. Sometimes just saying it out loud to another person makes it real in a way that thinking about it never can. Finding meaning in the new habit is critical, and sharing it with someone you trust can deepen that meaning.

Letting go isn't easy. It takes courage,the same courage that tree has when it releases its leaves, trusting in the process of renewal. As Millen writes in Evergreen, we can take comfort in the fact that transformation isn't supposed to be comfortable. Even if we find ourselves feeling reluctant to let go, we can remind ourselves of the benefits of why we're doing it.

But here's what I know: on the other side of letting go is space. Space for rest. Space for what actually matters. Space for the version of you that's trying to emerge. And your brain? It's capable of remarkable change. Those patterns you've been following for years can shift. New ones can be built. It takes time, experience, and patience, but it's absolutely possible.

You're not giving up. You're making room for what comes next. You're teaching yourself a new way of being in the world.

With love,
Erin

References

Lally, P., van Jaarsveld, C. H. M., Potts, H. W. W., & Wardle, J. (2010). How are habits formed: Modelling habit formation in the real world. European Journal of Social Psychology, 40(6), 998–1009. https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.674

Wood, W., & Neal, D. T. (2016). Healthy through habit: Interventions for initiating and maintaining health behavior change. Behavioral Science & Policy, 2(1), 71-83.

O'Connor, M. F. (2022). The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss. HarperOne.

Klimecki, O. M., Leiberg, S., Ricard, M., & Singer, T. (2013). Differential pattern of functional brain plasticity after compassion and empathy training. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 9(6), 873-879.

Di Stefano, G., Gino, F., Pisano, G., & Staats, B. (2016). Learning by Thinking: How Reflection Aids Performance. Harvard Business School Working Paper.