How to Find Gratitude When Life Feels Hard

It's 7:43 AM on a Tuesday in November, and I'm already behind. The holiday concert permission slip I forgot to sign is crumpled at the bottom of my son's backpack. The holiday menu I haven't planned looms like an unanswered question, will I cave and order pre-made sides this year, or will I somehow pull off homemade again? And that work deadline? It doesn't care that my brain is split between spreadsheets and whether we have enough chairs for Christmas Eve dinner. Somewhere in the back of my mind, underneath the mental tabs I have open, a voice whispers: You should be grateful.

Yea, ok……

Here's the thing about the holiday season: it's supposedly the time for gratitude, the season of counting blessings and reflecting on abundance. But it's also the season of maximum overwhelm. From November through January, working moms are expected to feel thankful while simultaneously coordinating family gatherings across different households and dietary restrictions, managing gift logistics (because nothing says "joy" like tracking shipping delays), maintaining work performance during the slowest business weeks of the year, and somehow creating magical memories for our kids, the kind they'll post throwback photos of in twenty years (please don’t).

We're supposed to host with grace, give with generosity, work with excellence, parent with presence, and feel grateful for the opportunity to do all of it at once. On four hours of sleep. With an inbox that somehow multiplied overnight.

The cultural script is clear: gratitude is the price of admission to the holidays. If you're not posting thankful thoughts or sharing what you're blessed by, are you even doing it right? Meanwhile, you're standing in your kitchen at 11 PM wrapping gifts with tape that keeps jamming, wondering if anyone would notice if you just... didn't do all this next year.

The pressure to feel grateful when you're running on fumes and cold coffee isn't helpful, it's just another item on an impossible to-do list, wedged somewhere between "research teacher gifts" and "pretend you have it together at the school potluck." It becomes one more way we're failing, one more thing we're not doing right.

But learning how to access authentic gratitude in the chaos? That's a different story.

This isn't about forcing positivity when you want to scream into a pillow. This isn't about performing thankfulness for social media while you're secretly drowning. And this definitely isn't about toxic positivity that dismisses your real exhaustion with a chirpy "but you're so blessed!"

This is about practical, research-backed ways to find genuine appreciation when you need it most: in the middle of holiday madness. Not gratitude as another obligation, but gratitude as a lifeline, a way to steady yourself when everything feels like too much. Because here's what they don't tell you: real gratitude doesn't require you to pretend you're not tired. It doesn't demand you be grateful for the chaos. 

It just gives you a way to find solid ground in the middle of it.

Why Gratitude Matters Most When You're Stressed

Let's get the science out of the way first, because it matters. Research shows that gratitude isn't just a nice feeling, it's a legitimate stress management tool. Here's what the research actually shows:

A study in the Journal of Happiness Studies found that gratitude practices reduce stress and improve wellbeing, particularly during challenging periods. When we practice gratitude, we're training our brains to notice what's working alongside what's hard, not instead of what's hard.

But here's the critical distinction: there's a massive difference between "I should be grateful" (which is shame disguised as gratitude) and "I am grateful" (which is genuine appreciation). The first one adds to your stress load. The second one can actually lighten it.

According to research from UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, gratitude works best when it's authentic and specific, not forced or generic. That means we're not aiming for the Instagram version of gratitude, the perfectly curated list of blessings. We're aiming for the real, messy, everyday version that actually helps us navigate stress.

How to Seek Out Gratitude (When Your Brain Defaults to Stress)

Our brains are wired for negativity bias, we naturally spot problems faster than we notice what's going well. During the holidays, when there genuinely are more problems to solve (travel logistics, family dynamics, budget pressures), this tendency goes into overdrive. So seeking out gratitude isn't about ignoring the real challenges; it's about intentionally balancing the mental ledger.

The Redirect Practice

When you catch yourself in a stress spiral, mentally rehearsing everything that could go wrong or everything you haven't done, pause and ask: "What's actually going well right now?"

Not what should be going well. Not what you wish was going well. What actually is.

For me, this shows up most during the holidays when I'm preparing the house for company. I'll be cleaning, getting ready for a family birthday party, and suddenly I'm snapping at my husband about the exact division of labor, even when he IS helping. I'm snapping at the kids because they need stuff from me while I'm trying to focus on cleaning, when really, kids are just being kids.

Over the years, I've tried to be really intentional about this. When I pick up the vacuum or grab the mop, I know those are my trigger moments. So as soon as my hand touches those items, I take a deep breath. I slow my breathing down. I slow my thinking down. And I slowly vacuum and clean the floor, telling myself that I'm grateful to have a house where I can host, to have products that I can use to clean my home, to be able to invite my family and friends over and create these warm, happy memories.

It's hard. I don't always remember. But when I do, I find myself being less stressed while preparing, and that shift changes everything.

The Tiny Good Things Hunt

This is about becoming an active detective for micro-moments of good. Not the big, obvious stuff, the tiny things that happen in the margins of your overwhelmed days.

The parking spot that opened up right when you needed it. Your kid's spontaneous hug. The coworker who proofread your email without you asking. The fact that your body got you through another long day.

Research in the journal Emotion found that people who regularly noticed small positive events experienced lower stress levels and better emotional resilience. The research suggests that actively noticing three small positive moments daily can shift your baseline stress response within two weeks.

For me, I always find these moments with my kids and my dog. The tiny good things I notice throughout the week are the sweet interactions between my boys, especially with boys who have a large age gap. So when I see a really thoughtful, kind, sweet interaction between them, I notice it immediately. I'm incredibly grateful for those moments.

And then there's our dog. We got him around the holidays last year, so he's still relatively new to us. There are times when he'll look at me or come cuddle next to me or give me a quick little lick to let me know he's thinking of me. As silly as it sounds, it's those little moments that slow me down and help me realize that I am incredibly lucky, privileged and grateful.

The Gratitude Lens

This is the practice of reframing common stressors, not to dismiss them, but to find the sliver of good hiding inside them.

Stuck in traffic? That's uninterrupted time for your favorite podcast or phone call with your sister. Long line at the grocery store? A rare moment of stillness where no one needs anything from you. Kids home from school for break? More chaos, yes, but also more laughter in your house.

This isn't toxic positivity, the traffic is still frustrating, and you're still allowed to hate it. But when you're looking through the gratitude lens, you're asking: "Is there anything here I can appreciate?"

How to Remind Yourself (When You Keep Forgetting)

The biggest challenge with gratitude during busy seasons isn't that we don't believe in it, it's that we forget to practice it. When you're operating in survival mode, gratitude falls off the radar. So we need systems that remind us without adding another task to the list.

Physical Cues

Tie gratitude to something you already do multiple times a day. Every time you walk through a doorway, pause for one breath and notice something good. Every time you hit a red light, name one thing that's going right. Every night when you plug in your phone, think of one person you're grateful for.

The key is attaching it to existing habits so you don't have to remember to remember.

Something that's become a habit for me, almost unconscious at this point, is that anytime I'm in traffic or hit a red light, I tell myself that God is trying to tell me to slow down. In those moments, if I'm feeling stress or anxiety, I take a deep breath. If I'm feeling rushed, I slow my breathing down. And if I'm not in a rush or feeling stressed, I actually just feel thankful for the red light. Thankful for the pause. Thankful for the traffic.

I always remind myself that there's a reason why I'm behind that red light, even if I don't know what it is.

The Red Light That Changed Everything

There was a time in my early twenties when I went to a concert and decided to leave early. I had a big exam coming up and knew I needed to get home. It was going to be a long drive on the highway, so I left before the concert ended. But I ended up sitting in huge traffic just trying to get out of the parking lot, which was surprising because usually you don't hit that much traffic until after the concert is over. I was really stressed and upset about it. I didn't understand why I was leaving early and still sitting in this traffic.

Eventually I got through it and onto the highway. After some time, I hit more traffic and started feeling stressed and overwhelmed again. Then all of a sudden, an ambulance blew by me, then cop cars. As the traffic cleared and I was able to continue driving, I noticed that a huge semi truck had gotten into a really bad crash and had flipped over on the side of the road. There were other cars involved too.

I remember driving by and thinking: if I had gotten out of that parking lot on time without any traffic, that could have been me.

So now, anytime I'm sitting in traffic, I'm always just grateful for the red light and grateful for the pause. I know there's a reason behind it, even if I may not know what that reason is.

Visual Reminders

Place a single sticky note somewhere you'll see it daily. Not with a quote or command, just a simple question: "What's working?" Or change your phone wallpaper to an image that represents something you're grateful for.

The Weekly Text Ritual

Every Sunday (or whatever day works), send one gratitude text to someone. A friend, your partner, your mom, a colleague. Keep it simple: "I was thinking about [specific thing] and wanted to say thank you."

This practice does two things: it keeps you actively looking for people to appreciate, and it strengthens your relationships during a season when connection often gets lost in logistics.

Set a recurring calendar reminder so it becomes automatic, not aspirational.

The Dinner Table Angle

If you're trying to build gratitude practices with your kids, ditch the formal "What are you grateful for?" prompt. It falls flat, especially with exhausted children.

Instead, try: "What made you smile today?" or "What's something good that happened?" or even "What's something you're looking forward to?"

These questions access the same gratitude muscle without the performance pressure.

How to Leverage Gratitude in Peak Stress Moments

This is where gratitude shifts from nice-to-have to actual survival tool. When you're in the thick of it, the family gathering that's going sideways, the holiday meltdown, the moment when everything feels like too much, gratitude can be your reset button.

The 10-Second Reset

When you feel yourself losing it, stop and name three things in your immediate environment that are working. Not profound things. Just: the coffee is hot, the kids are safe, you have a quiet car to sit in.

This isn't about dismissing your stress, it's about giving your nervous system a pattern interrupt.

I learned this practice from Jay Shetty's book Think Like a Monk, and also from Mel Robbins' coaching program. The version I learned from Jay Shetty was deeper, it involved all five senses. What are things I can see, hear, taste, smell, and feel? When you close your eyes and get really intentional about it, it slows everything down.

Here's what this looks like in practice: You're in the Target parking lot, kids are fighting in the backseat, you just remembered you forgot an ingredient for tomorrow's dinner. Stop. Name three things: "The car is warm. I have money for groceries. My kids are healthy enough to argue." That's it. You're not fixing the overwhelm, you're just giving your nervous system proof that not everything is on fire.

I go through periods where sometimes I do it, sometimes I don't, sometimes I forget. But in those moments when I do remember to use it, it really does slow down my nervous system and help me regulate.

The Gratitude Emergency Kit

On a good day (not in the middle of a crisis), write yourself a list of go-to gratitude reminders for really hard days. Things like:

• You've survived every hard day so far.
• Someone loves you.
• This feeling is temporary.
• You're doing better than you think.

Keep it in your phone. Pull it out when you need it.

The Perspective Zoom-Out

When everything feels overwhelming, try this phrase: "This is hard, AND I've handled hard before."

It's not minimizing the difficulty. It's reminding yourself of your own track record. You've navigated previous holiday seasons. You've juggled impossible schedules before. You've made it through.

Gratitude for the Helpers

In peak stress moments, focus on who or what is supporting you. The partner who took over bedtime. The friend who texted to check in. The grocery delivery service that saved you a trip. The past version of you who meal-prepped on Sunday.

Noticing your support system, even the small pieces of it, can shift you from "I'm drowning" to "I'm not alone."

When Gratitude Feels Impossible (And That's Okay)

Let's be honest: some moments are just survival. Some days, you won't find gratitude because you're too depleted, too overwhelmed, or dealing with something genuinely hard that doesn't have a silver lining.

That's not a failure. That's being human.

If you can't access gratitude right now, practice self-compassion instead. Talk to yourself the way you'd talk to your best friend who's struggling. Acknowledge that you're doing your best in difficult circumstances.

Self-compassion is actually a foundation for gratitude. Research from Dr. Kristin Neff shows that self-compassion helps us be more resilient and emotionally balanced, which makes it easier to notice positive aspects of our lives when we're ready.

Some seasons are just about getting through. And there's a kind of gratitude in simply honoring that truth.

Finding Gratitude for Your Own Resilience

Here's something we rarely do: appreciate ourselves.

Think about what you've navigated this year. The challenges you've faced, the problems you've solved, the days you showed up even when you didn't want to. The version of you who keeps going.

You don't have to glorify the struggle, "I'm grateful for how hard everything is!", but you can appreciate your own resilience. You can notice that you're still here, still trying, still finding small ways to make things work.

When I think about what I've navigated this year that I wouldn't have believed I could handle, the mental health work stands out. Before therapy, I lived in default mode, running on autopilot without realizing that setting was built on years of emotional trauma.

Here's what I've learned: showing up to therapy isn't enough. The real work happens when you take those tools home and actually use them. When I look back at the past couple of years and everything I've worked through, I'm genuinely surprised by my own progress. I'm grateful for my therapist who continues to meet me where I am, and I'm grateful I found it within myself to break out of hyper-independence and get vulnerable.

I don't know that I'll ever be "done" with therapy, and I've learned that's not the goal. But I have the tools now. I know how to access them. And the fact that I'm writing about this openly in a blog? A year ago, I would have laughed at the suggestion. But here I am.

Practical Holiday-Specific Gratitude Practices

As we move deeper into the season, here are some specific practices for the unique challenges of November and December:

The Pre-Chaos Morning Pause: Before the day spirals, take 30 seconds to notice something good. The warmth of your coffee, the quiet before everyone wakes, the fact that you have another day to try.

Gratitude for What You're NOT Doing: Take a moment to appreciate the obligations you said no to. The party you declined. The elaborate tradition you simplified. The unrealistic expectation you let go. Those no's created space for sanity.

The Post-Family-Gathering Debrief: After the big dinner or gathering, find one good thing from the messy day. One genuine laugh, one sweet moment with your kid, one conversation that mattered. Just one.

The Reality-Check Gratitude: When you're comparing yourself to the Instagram-perfect holidays, name one thing that's authentically good about YOUR version of the season. Not the highlight reel, the real thing. "My cookies are burned, but my kids helped make them" or "The house isn't decorated like Pinterest, but everyone who matters knows where to find us."

Teaching Kids Through Modeling: Instead of forcing your kids to perform gratitude, let them see you practice it naturally. "I'm grateful Grandma could come" or "I'm thankful we have warm coats today." They're watching how you navigate the world.

Final Thoughts

Gratitude during the holidays doesn't have to look like a greeting card or an Instagram post. It doesn't have to be big, beautiful, or profound.

It can be small. It can be messy. It can exist right alongside your stress, your exhaustion, and your very real challenges.

You're allowed to feel overwhelmed AND grateful. Tired AND appreciative. Stressed AND still notice the good.

This holiday season, give yourself permission to practice gratitude imperfectly. To forget and then remember. To have hard days and just-okay days and occasional surprisingly good days.

The practice is the point, not perfection. And sometimes, the most powerful gratitude practice is simply this: acknowledging that you're doing your best, that you're still showing up, and that's enough.

With love,
Erin